Love Letters to Children Responding to Children who hurt
The greiving Child
hE HEALS THE BROKEN HEARTED pSALM 47:3
GREIF AND DEATH
Parents can't protect their children from all loss. But we can nurture them through greif and emotional pain. Greif is the feeling that accompanies separation, sadness, loss, children grieve in ways unique to children. It can give children a sense of being alone if un addressed a child sufers in by them selves. Children need loving assureance they are not alone but are with others who feel the same way.
Children can learn to manage their losses from seeing adults who don't hide or stuff their pain but are willing to expose it to others in calm emotionally healthy ways that do not scare children. The more children are encluded in the family sadness, the easier it will be for them to tolerate suffering. If they are sent to care givers for long periods because everyone is upset at home children are made to bare the pain alone.
Children can only handle bits and peices of greif at a time, they need to step out of their pain to play, this helps with their anxiety Children make generalizations. so if a parent dies at the hospital all people die at the hospital, or mommy is still at the hospital.
Ms. Kim,
My name is Molly
i am nine years old and my little brother got run over by a motorcycle it hurts a lot. My brother Matt said "stop crying like a baby". We went to the hospital there were tubes all over him. My family was crying. They said Michael died they were all crying. He looked like he was sleeping, I don’t know what to do I need advice.
thank you
Molly
Sweet Molly,
Your precious letter came and I’m so glad you wrote. You explained your feelings very well, and that helped us understand what is happening inside you since Michael your brother died. Your sadness will get better eventually you will be able to think about Michael without hurting to deeply. Others feel the same way you do when someone they loved died but Molly over time some of the feelings of pain calm down and you are able to think of Michael again without it hurting as much. I have some suggestions that might help you.
1. Talk about your feeling over and over
2. crying can be good it can help you.
3.some kids feel angry and get into arguments with other people easily. If this happens find a quiet place to be.. Some kids want to be by them selves for a while, others like to sit next to someone they love while they are hurting so much, do what feels best.
4. make a special place you can think about Michael, in your house or maybe in your back yard. pick a toy of his and put it in a special place. Some Kids say that has helped
5.. Christmas time and other family celebrations may be hard because your missing michhael
6. Some kids get tummy echoes or have night mares when someone they love dies. Your body is sad too.
7. God knows all about how much you are hurting and He loves you Molly. You can talk to him anytime he will listen. When you get to heaven you can ask god why Michael died and he will tell you. I know it doesn’t make any sense now. The Bible says we will get to see our loved ones when we go to heaven, you will see Michael.
love
ms. Kim
Parent points
1. avoid using flowery words or phylisofical language, it’s ok to say grand pa died. trying to fix pain for our children doesn’t help let them experience it under your gentle care.
Trying to make them happy or "cheer them up“ only drives pain inside to stay instead of dissipation of it. let the child feel their hurt , they need to process pain like the rest of us., but don’t leave them to long. Know your child..
2. try not to underestimate the existent of the child’s pain. Children will grieve even while laughing and playing. Young children have few emotion resources for pain, playing can be one way a child can work out their emotional anxiety, while their grieving.
3. if it is natural for you to cry then do, let your children see you cry, your tears give your child permission to be real.
4. a child can never be the man of the house or a little girl damaging to there sense of self they are just children.. Their shoulders are to small for This heavy burdens. If people say something like that just replay “you want them to just be children for now”
5. if it’s sa death is a pet, it’s best to wait a while until some healing has taken place in your child’s heart. When something is just to much for children to hear, it’s best in some deaths to keep the gruesome details to your self.
What to say
Show children how much you love them, soft words and a gentle touch. usually children will not need professionals if suported by loving parents.
Let children decide if they want to go to the funeral, tell them what will happen at the service. Let them know so they can make a good decision. If they choose to go have them sit next to a loving adult. Gently direct your child back into their typical daily life structure, let them talk as much as they want. Play is a good way to deal with feelings of pain, and begin to heal.
Love ms. Kim